The Nazgul's Den

Your Turn

2009-03-16T17:16:00.000+08:00

Home is behind, the world ahead, and there are many paths to tread...

Seeing you realize that this is all coming to a close touches my heart. I know the feeling. I was here six months ago. Awaiting every expectant moment, wanting to know that you've passed or claimed your rightful place you've striven for in these last four years, or more. Knowing that it's all worth it. It heartens me that finally, we can all share in this thing I alone had for this time. Yes, you could say that I had the "First Mover Advantage" (Marketing much?!), but we all have our unique traits. Survive these few months floundering for that first grip into The Real World. Strive to show we're all worthy of that four years of pain, sleepless nights and institutional pride. Succeed in our chosen fields and forget not our friends, where we came from and how they shaped us to be this way. We may be all unique as people, but now we share one common bond.

Mist and shadow, cloud and shade, away shall fade, away shall fade...

Issues, Issues and Lessons Learned

2009-03-12T15:58:00.000+08:00

Can you feel the pressure...

I absolutely hate screwing up. The lessons you get from them hurt the most and are the ones you remember in your life. I feel like I just failed my colleagues, but I know I did my best to make it work. It's quite my fault I wasn't prepared both physically and mentally for it to come today. Now that I have a good idea on what to do and how to do it, I'll make sure not to have it happen again. I hope I'm able not just to explain my actions, but learn on how to mitigate or remove the issues I had with my work.

Learning through action, and leadership by example, a painful and difficult path, but ultimately most beneficial to your well being.

Long Walk to Glory

2009-02-17T20:14:00.000+08:00

Some things seem like forever, others like a moment.

Sixty-seven days. And here I am, feeling like the past one hundred and twenty three days since it happened for me has not really changed me. Sixty seven days, when everyone else will be on the same level as I am. And here I am still seemingly undisturbed, not making the most of it. At least we can start over as equals again, sharing the same things even as we diverge in our paths in life. We'll make up for lost moments. I guess I did deprive myself with my choices of certain things, and I traded them for others. Only time will tell if they are worth it. Until the sixty-seventh day comes, we shall not know.

Hell, Yeah, It's ABOUT TIME!

I Just Don't Love You Anymore

2009-02-11T18:52:00.000+08:00

Just when everything has been forgotten and passed...

My ex just contacted me a few minutes ago via text message. Right now I'm still quite displeased by its occurrence. You betrayed me, and you have the gall to ask me to talk to you? Damn it, I've moved on from you, yet doing this to pull me back is just so desperate from your part. Your lies will not weave their magic anymore on me, bitch. So go back and seduce whoever you can still blind with your words. It's just fucking ironic you want to talk to me on the most over-hyped of days for romance and affection. This is not bitterness talking, but the cold hard reality that I don't feel anything for you anymore. I won't apologize for the words I used. You deserve them all.

It's been a while. Since I've felt this alive.

School Nostalgia

2009-01-26T20:32:00.000+08:00

Time, I've been passing time...

I miss UP and BA. But I won't cry or be sentimental about it. Graduation ceremonies, maybe then, it's more appropriate. There's always a right time for things.

Truly caring for something makes you miss it when it's gone

Contrition and Reflection

2009-01-13T14:16:00.000+08:00

Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

What do I do when it's all over. What can I do to be heard. I've screwed it up quite badly and I it will take time, before, if ever, trust is restored. I'm sorry for being an asshole and a stuck-up pretentious twit. I'll have to know how to say my apologies quicker before a screw up like this happens again. What has happened makes me realize that I should care more about people, at the very least those I've encountered. Insensitive and insensible person that I typically am, this kind of change can't come quickly, but it will have to happen, lest my mistakes haunt me at a more crucial and difficult time.

If I've offended or pissed you off during the last 3 years, consider this as a first step towards a personal apology. If you can't/won't accept it, I'll understand, but I'd like to reconcile myself with the things I can and cannot change. Those I can change, will have to start moving in that direction, and already are.

P.S. I managed to salvage most of this from a cache.

That's what you get when you let... drown out all my senses.

Random Rant

2009-01-09T19:45:00.000+08:00

Shit happens

I was saving a really emotional and heart-rending post for me about changing for the better when I tried to save it as a draft. Problem is, Media Locker screws up and won't let me access the draft. Absolutely great. If I can't get to it, I'll have to find the right words again. The process of breaking myself down and rebuilding myself is painful; but I think it's penance for me to actually do that more than once. I think I deserve it.

Live with it.

Stamford Bridge

2009-01-08T20:01:00.000+08:00

Learn to Research

Being such a nice, frank guy isn't always a good thing. People will think you're plastic. You don't keep your word. Or even worse, think you're a damn blowhard. I realize that I AM damn plastic. No, not even that, a better description would be your average Filipino politician who dictates promises like an elegant poet, yet belies a swaggering, greedy bastard hiding behind his M-16 armed bodyguards and set of lawyers on retainer, all funded by greasing his hands of the work of people behind the scenes. Now is not the time to discuss that though. It's time to defend that assertion that some people I know just don't realize how much they've tried and succeeded in screwing me over, wittingly and unwittingly.

You know who you are, and in the name of keeping the possibility of discussion and reconciliation alive, I won't descend to insults, even if I sincerely feel you deserve to be chewed out that way. After all, I would still rather have you as at least or most colleagues to whom one could frankly talk to. Also, I don't expect explanations and replies, because I'd be frankly surprised if you did make them, after all that has been done.

First, and the root of all this brain churning. Two years ago, we were quite close and you could speak to me frankly about a lot of things, more than just our common interests. In a fit of rashness, I do something which apparently shocked the wits out of you. You never told me how badly it affected you, and since I knew you well enough, I understood the reluctance. Time went on and I heard news of you from those around me, and I went on my own way knowing you were happy with what you had entered to. Then, when I saw fit to defend you because of people who couldn't care less and the fact that I expected you to respect how I did it, you saw fit to stab me in the back and not care how I felt. Quite heartless, and frankly, I couldn't quite respect you because of the way you did it.

Next, a bit more of an annoyance than a real cause of anger, since I'm not very close to them. Nor did I think I would actually be able to change that. Two people that I normally would expect to respect greatly because of their even temper and skill in eloquence fail in that respect to at the very least express their feelings or opinions, even as I saw them do it quite well to other people. I realize that maybe it could be that they did not quite understand completely even as I tried to tell them that being more direct in their emotions towards me would have been of greater effect towards our relationship. To the first person, I think that the lack of prudence that was associated with me was something you could not quite forgive, despite my very weak attempts to convince you otherwise. I can chalk it up to your utopian vision which I share but know cannot easily pass. The second person is a bit more complicated, as I only knew you on a professional level. I can't blame you for thinking that I'm being stupid or inconsiderate, or even worse, somewhat of a traitor when you read what I say. I don't expect you to understand that there's always a reference of truth, and that you have to look into it instead of taking it at my word. After all, words are the best weapons when one cannot kill or maim, as they can force someone to hurt themselves.

Now that links to my final point. Diplomacy, as they say, is the fine art of knowing the right tone to lull your best friend before you cut his throat. The time I've spent online reading on people and analyzing them, and watching people practice on the art of interaction while participating in it has made me acutely aware of the need to know what to say or not say. Much I have seen of both successful and futile attempts to bend the mind to one's will, the study of Marketing and Psychology finely honing the capability to dig into the finest of reasons for taking action. Some may deem it paranoia to nitpick everyone's statements, but I cannot blame them. After all, I've managed to present myself to different people in entirely different fields in such a manner that the gulf between those personalities might well be nigh impossible to bridge. I have always lived in terror of letting these personalities meet each other, but it has always been inevitable for me to kill one of them sooner or later. For me, it was a matter of surviving and knowing those who would not accept an amalgamation of them before one finds out of it. After all, it would not hurt me at all to find out the kind of person each and every one of us truly is or at least present to the world. In doing so, I've seen people break their word once too often. Promises to me that they will grant me an audience where what I know that others do not may be heard. Pleadings for succor in times of need repaid with disavowment. Freely provided help exchanged with manipulation. A noble cause sacrificed for delusions of success. Sacrifices for self-gain.

What I will not excuse then would be my actions. They have greatly contributed to it through a web of admitted deceit and half-revelations. Honesty, in action or in declaration, is at this juncture the only thing I have left but of small worth. Take all these with more than a grain of salt, but I would have not resorted to this expression had I felt that it was time to excise the demons of illusion. Words, whether they be lies, half-baked truths or realities, should be taken at face value, then analyzed if they do contain deeper meaning or are intended to have them. The way you react to them reveals who you truly are. You won't like what it reveals.

Sometimes burning bridges is better than defending them alone

S² D²

2009-01-01T00:33:00.000+08:00

Two faces are what makes the start of the year unique.

Twenty two years of experience has taught me that we hold a special place in our minds to using an arbitrary measurement to determine our length of existence. Even the numbering of my own life is but a reflection of that, but over the seeming eternity that we have survived the need for sensing pattern has been at the core of the need to keep our sanity and survival. Even as another of those measures now change hands, it does not remove us from what most of us would characterize as the monotony of our existence, whether at the cubicles and conference tables of work, the lounges and arenas of play or still in the confines of the halls of learning. Yet we have learned to break this cast and try to highlight relative changes, unique moments that mark turning points or divergences of our chosen paths. As we all face another time of drudgery, insight and revelation upon our selves, let us remember that we all want that same kind of pattern, only its expression differing for us all. Think through it, and then savor the unique memories of this past time, and those that will come.

Same Shit, Different Day

Show Me The Money

2008-12-19T12:15:00.000+08:00

It's more than just a trademark line, it's a cheat.

Quoted Verbatim from Expense Slips:

Received Php xxxx.xx from xxxxx for xx days of services for the time period December 1 to December 15 2008.

It's my first paycheck. Now to work for the next ones. Soon enough, to not need paychecks at all. What more can one ask for?

Love and Money don't make the world go round. Inertia does.

Another Year Has Passed

2008-12-18T19:41:00.000+08:00

Age is a relative thing, your relatives tell you how old you seem to be and not how old you are

What has changed over the last year? Not much, yet also a whole lot. I guess that's how it is with time, relativity makes change and progress into stagnant realities. It's not a discrete point or system, but rather a flowing entity that manifests itself according to where one looks. That makes life quite interesting, any way you want yourself to gaze upon its beauty. With another year on an artificial calendar elapsing towards senility and disability, let us celebrate to another year of the same changes, the different pedestrian truths we find in the expressions of our daily lives.

What difference a day makes.

"Game"-ing the System

2008-12-06T20:45:00.000+08:00

Don't quit while you're ahead. Quit when you reach the point you start losing your lead.

Having a job, especially in developing a whole project system from the ground up, testing it and rolling it out for use makes me realize that I'll have much less time for myself. Also, it makes me think that I'll have to start being much more efficient in my usage of time. I've been particularly wasteful in my skill efficiency of playing my MMORPG characters; as my objectives have always been at cross purposes with power players; and may be said to be the ultimate expression of what academics say would be the typical socializer characters; those who feel progression in the game not from their power or influence, but by their enormous social network both within and without the game. Associated with that is very often their leveraging of this network to provide them with comparable power levels, but with the aforementioned obsession in maximizing potential at every step however incremental it may be. The explicit knowledge that moving into the top tier in any of those groups would immediately have be labeled as an all-around threat and maybe construed as treachery by others and the ardent desire to be seen as completely neutral in their disputes and issues has made me think twice about restarting my games and ultimately made me leave them.

With relation to my games, Ragnarok was becoming unexciting after the lack of inherent factionalism and an exodus by top players of the same era I was highly active in left it with a small core of enthusiasts that had a stable hegemony and was in little need of mediation. On the other hand, having too much knowledge which has already greatly complicated my dealings within the game and outside of it and a decaying game system in terms of infrastructure and balance on RF has left me with little incentive to continue gaming. Much as the extremely wide-ranging network of gamers I have encountered in RF serve as a huge disincentive for me to leave, the artificial distance my knowledge and relationships have created for many of them make me feel different. In Ragnarok, it was a matter of age and well-defined constituencies I was not explicitly part of either that created the distance. In RF, it has been the inability to build a deeper non-gaming contact with them that has hampered development. I could actually cite the fact that my involvment with so many groupings has created this distance of being unable to fully commit to one side; yet I still find the need to commit yet stay objective profoundly distasteful. Many might say that it sounds quite Machiavellian to dabble in the internal politics of so many entities, but I feel that it is not so. My attachment to games remains completely on the real life level, what matters is that there is balanced enjoyment by all sides through legal and competitive means. If some sides can legally completely break the game towards their favor then I will hand it to them as their achievement, but to cast doubt on their achievements as dubious is something I cannot stand. However, I have well known to keep such sentiments different from my relationships with the people who play them, after all, we are brethren because of our similar passions.

I guess this introspection comes with the fact that I will probably have to let go of this phase in my gaming life; probably letting go of gaming for good. Gaming for me was a social device to meet people of differing backgrounds and personalities; high-fliers, low-lives and a WHOLE LOT of GENUINE people with their qualities and flaws. It has served me well to keep me sane, whole and well-rounded during the turbulent phases of my asocial life in the secondary and tertiary levels. At the very least, that contribution is what I am going to take away after over half a decade on the scene as admittedly one of the more boisterous and unrepentant lights (a small one but a light nonetheless) of the gaming community. However, this seeming departure does not quench the fire to develop this passion of making gaming in this world a RESPECTABLE and ADMIRABLE time to spend a person's free time and money; much like most other hobbies are, and help push it, just like other pastimes, into the legitimate mainstream where participation in it can sustain livelihoods, because of their expertise. At the same time, the need and wish to teach these traits to others and its value, especially when combined with fairness and respect, needs to be developed, with the vulnerable frontiers under inexonerable attack from those who want full rein over the system as they shape it and have others abandon for other pastures.

Going back to improving myself, probably what I need right now are a lot of deep conversations, one you can get over some drinks (alcoholic or not does not matter), and more than a bit of being up-front and telling me what kind of person I already am, and what I can do to shape myself to be able to dish out what I dream of doing in the process. I have to admit that I like being told to my face, however painful it might seem, of my flaws, because that would be the only way for me to actually change something; this thick skin is something I learned over the years. For one to penetrate it and give me something to pour out of or drink in in return is for me the best and most refreshing kind of discussion and introspection I can ever have. That is also what I miss from not having a special someone; but romantic interests are quite entirely a different story for another day, or maybe a later hour after some hard shots.
Do drop me some comments. Gaming is something that those who DO play should feel they should comment about. Those who don't appreciate what it is, do say what you think of us who play games. The insights will help greatly; and you can get your issues about certain people you know off your chest at the same time too.

Gaming is like gardening, only with a faster life cycle.

Work Work

2008-12-02T21:46:00.000+08:00

Something need doing?

Productivity isn't just Effort / Time. There's a lot of other things you have to consider because some "useless" activities make your long-term prospects much more pleasant and comfortable. Like going into new things that you did not really expect to go into, or letting go of other things that was once an integral part of your life. Now that I'm about to plunge in to the corporate world, I don't expect to be the best, or even the brightest; there's virtue in working your way to the top. Work, after all, is something that you look for, not something that approaches you with open arms, and all your resources should be directed towards finding the right niche. I realized that my education IS a privilege nobody can take away, but it also provides a complacency that should not be there, a sense of entitlement, one can say. That's why I would rather strike out with something new, something unproven, and test my skills and talents to the limit, than have a comfortable job right away. I'll appreciate being safe and at the top much better than I would otherwise. So good luck to me moving into a new world, a little cubicle somewhere in business, and striving for my way from there.

All right, job's done.

Wanted: Perfect Girlfriend, Wife or Partner

2008-11-24T20:42:00.000+08:00

Yeah whatever, or at least the nearest thing to perfection.

Disclaimer: NOT a ripoff of other posts, NOT done in jest.

Only the brave and willing need apply.

The ideal candidate should be biologically and gender-oriented as female, though boyish and lesbian tendencies will not disqualify aspirants. Physical attributes include being at least a hundred fifty centimeters in height, of average bulk to slim, and tending towards a fair complexion. Hair length and color, bust size, leg and arm proportion is of some consideration but not a priority. Facial features tend towards smaller eyes, an oval face, some sharpness of nose and proportionate lips and cheeks. Age is not a major factor, though there will be greater preference to those from fifteen to twenty-five years of age.

Education levels should be extremely high or at the very least in correspondence to age level, as intelligence will play a major role in determining compatibility. As aforementioned, above average to genius level intelligence is an advantage, especially when combined with a great deal of common sense. An innate ability to understand multiple topics and jump from one to another in conversation is greatly desired, thus good conversation and expression skills are also a must. An innate understanding of technology, politics and military affairs is a huge bonus. Talent skill sets that will be of preference include singing and dancing, some acting ability may be a plus. The skill to encourage physical activity by both parties whether alone or together is highly preferred. If of college level, post-graduate or already working, a highly creative and challenging field with national or world-class competitive pressures is much desired, with commensurate pay and perks.

Emotional balance and maturity is also a must for the chosen candidate. She should be mature and independent enough to acknowledge her existence as a different person separate from us being a couple, from financial capability, to emotional strength and stability. As a woman, she should not let gender roles define her actions towards men in general and our relationship in particular. An occasional giving in to whims and fancies is encouraged, but a generally even keel with respect to desires and wishes is ideal.

All information contained therein is subject to elaboration. Testing, both via physical, mental and emotional means shall be imposed on eligible applicants to determine their suitability for the position. For further inquiries, feel free to contact me via this Multiply site or through other forms of communication. Contact details shall be available upon request by interested candidates.

Then again who know what awaits beyond those doors

An Unfulfilled Life

2008-11-19T20:20:00.000+08:00

Where a door closes, a window opens...

I never expected to wish to have something to do. Never felt like for the first time in my life, I lacked direction. Sitting at home and either reading, playing or just being a bum isn't what I wanted my life to be. The challenge of finding something to move my life along has brought into crystal clear focus what I have been missing while I've lived like this. The need for organization and schedule, and a very strict one at that. Thus the wish to develop those, because as I grow older and more ancient, I cannot rely on my mind to provide me with a means for escape and motivation. Few are gifted with that, and most of these grow lazy and depend too much on it to survive. At least I have truly realized that I am nearing that pitfall, and that I need to stimulate myself to stop my fall into mediocrity.

There will come a time when I will acknowledge that there are people of similar level and younger who are smarter and more capable than I am or ever will be, people who will put me to shame because I know that with all my gifts and infirmities, that I could not be a better person. A time when, people will not give value for what I have brought into their lives. Sometimes, I think I'm just another invisible pawn, someone who may make a difference but never will; and I know all too well that it is most likely to be my fate. There are days when the urge for some desperate and insane act wishes to take hold of me so that I may not be swept away by the sands of time, but reality reminds me that all of this is worth not worth a damn anyway, when nothing is left to exist.

Therefore, it makes me thing of whether I should still strive to create change, or to influence others. The impact on people's future, of how we can both help others and ourselves go on in the future stays in my mind. Yes, my weakness is the need for outside affirmation, but even simple, kind words may be enough to tell me life is still worth living. It sounds so emotional, and a tinge of suicidal, but I can assure you that it is just me reassuring myself that I can do what sometimes expresses itself as my life's mission: to reach out to others and make them happier. As they state in business, it's about creating value for the consumer. And the consumer for me, is you. Now, I won't expect you to respond, because nobody ever does respond to me. I don't expect it, nor do I really care if it is sincere because I've been jaded by lies and promises too much.

Now I see that I'm just too much of a chameleon for most to really understand me. An eccentric trapped in a conservative and intolerant place. A forced introvert because of the controversy of his views and a conflicting desire to maintain peace and harmony with those around him. A person who needs to break out of this shell and have the gall to create enemies, even as one sees them already lurking in every corner of life.

Maybe, it's time I wished other people ill. At the same time, feel the better for it. It's time to break the comforts of security and be who I really am. Time to really go out into the real world of ruthlessness and cold-blooded choices. Time to become a real whole person.

And so ends the age of innocence...

The Calm After The Storm

2008-11-03T17:45:00.000+08:00

I walk a lonely road...

Yes, this will be something of an emo post. Earlier, I got to see and mingle with my "former?" batchmates. I seriously as hell miss being with them, around them and just basically being the batch whatever... No matter. This is the path I took when I graduated now. I have to keep moving forward, changing myself for better or for worse. Today just made me feel like I don't really belong anymore, because that's the truth. Sorry guys, it feels like I'm drifting away... for good.

All I can say is, the burdens of life have made me a different person. Even if such was only a day away (or weeks away in my case) for me.

The only one that I have ever known...

It's Official

2008-10-23T17:26:00.000+08:00

There's a time for Celebration.

IT'S OFFICIALY OVER.

There's a time for Contemplation.

There Are Times...

2008-10-21T17:30:00.000+08:00

There are things that you wish you can never let go of.

And it hit me that I am now a graduate.

I do not know what to feel right now. This time feels so damn anticlimactic. I cannot cry worth a damn right now, nor do I feel depressed. There was this expectation of something else I was looking for, but could not find. Maybe it has been the fact that I have been missing for some time. Maybe it is just the fact that I cannot be around my friends anymore. Maybe, the distance that makes me feel separated still is there. I envy you, those around me, who have their best buddies and can stick with them for this whole year. I envy you, those who can wait for six more months before real life has to catch up to you. I envy you, those which can say that they made the most out of the time of their lives. There lives inside me the feeling that I should not have done this, but something else says different. I do not regret it, because I managed to survive. This is the only thing left for me. I have to face what the future holds for me.

And living what life holds is what I should do.

There are other things which you know will stay with you forever.

I Am Still A.LIVE

2008-10-19T22:30:00.000+08:00

There are some things you wish would never end.

The excitement and hangover from LU Live has NOT yet worn off. It's so damn infectious, and even though I'm tired and my body is feeling the punishment, I don't feel like resting at all.

For everything else there's MONEY.

That's It I'm Dead

2008-10-15T04:08:00.000+08:00

The Worst Signs are the ones you see too late.

CRS won't let me graduate. Maybe my college won't let me too.

Once again, that's it, I'm Dead.

Fears of Failure

2008-10-13T06:06:00.000+08:00

Just when it was safe to relax...

I thought I already avoided derailing myself. Then again, now I find a wreck coming up ahead. I have two papers due on Wednesday, two on Friday, and two presentations I really need to work on for Thursday and Saturday. Not to mention, I still have Level Up Live to attend to. This is going to be the most pressure packed week of my life and I am THRILLED. This is the kind of atmosphere that will instill discipline and a need for priorities that I will take on later in life; and I have it in my hands now. This week may just yet come down to becoming the week that changed my future.

Something bites you in the ass!

I'm Screwed.

2008-10-08T20:11:00.000+08:00

That's IT, I'm DEAD

Looks like I'm not going to graduate after all. I'm staring three 5s in the face right now. One ten-page paper due 4pm Thursday, Two Exams on Friday, One Individual Presentation with matching paper by next week Tuesday/Wednesday. I screw up ANY of those, say hello to April. Oh SHI~! What hole have I dug myself into? I also forget: THREE Group Presentations. Thank YOU!

What?!

Just Because I'm Graduating

2008-10-07T21:16:00.000+08:00

Take It Easy, Take It Slow...

Disclaimer: Just Because IT SAID IN Filipino:

ANO ANG NAGING NUMERONG PANG-ESTUDYANTE MO?
2004-11534 at naging 2005-78003

NAKAPASA KA BA O NASA LISTAHAN NG MGA MAG-AANTAY?
Pasado ako sa unang kurso na aking pinili.

PAANO MO NALAMAN ANG KINALABASAN NG PAGSUSULIT?
Araw araw akong nagabang para sa paglabas nila ng mga pisara kung saan nakapaskil ang resulta. Nahanap ko siya doon.

UNA BA SA NAIS MONG MAPASUKAN ANG UP?
Una at pinakanatatangi.

ALAM MO BA ANG ANTAS NG UPG MO?
Oo. 2.251

ANO ANG UNA MONG PINILING NA KURSO?
BS Business Administration

IKALAWANG PINILI?
BS Economics

ANO ANG NAPUNTAHAN MONG KURSO?
BS Business Administration. (Paumanhin kung nagyayabang!)

NAGPLANO KA BANG LUMIPAT NG KURSO?
Wala, wala at wala. Mula pa nung elementarya ko ay ito na ang minimithi ko.

NAKAPAG-DORMITORYO KA NA BA?
Kung mabibilang ang pagtulog sa Internet Cafe bilang "dormitoryo" aba'y siyempre!

NAKA UNO KA NA BA?
Malamang. (Mayabang nga!)

NAGKAROON NG TRES?
Kuwatro gusto ninyo?

PINAKAMATAAS NA GRADO:
Uno. (Labo!)

PINAKAMABABA:
Kuwatro sa Math 100 dahil sa Attendance.

PINAKAMALALANG KARANASAN SA UP:
Pumasok sa eskuwela habang hindi umuuwi sa bahay nang isang linggo; hawak ay isang libong piso bilang pangtustos sa gastusin.

LAGI KA BANG PUMAPASOK SA KLASE?
HINDI. Aminado akong tamad pumasok. Mukha lang akong pumapasok. O_o

ANO’NG ORGANISASYON MO?
UP ABAM at UP JMA ang pinakanatatangi. May kontribusyon din ako sa UP CE, at sa Auxilliary Corps ng aking kolehiyo.

ISA KA BANG ISKOLAR?
Hindi.

PINANGARAP MO BANG MAG-CUM LAUDE?
Hindi. Kuwalipikasyon lang ang ninais ko, ngunit hindi ko iyon hinahanap.

KELAN KA MAGTATAPOS?
Sa Oktubre 18 kung papalarin ng Diyos.

PINAKAPABORITONG PROPESOR:
Acedera (BA 177), Jeturian (BA 172), Zarco (BA 151, BA 170), Billedo (Psych 195), Palma (Math 17), Salazar (BA 99.1), Arugay (Soc Sci 2)

PINAKAKINAMUMUHIANG GURO:
Wala naman, mga hindi lamang sila marunong magturo. Hindi ako namemersonal ng klase ko. Kung pipilitin man, baka masabi ko ang sa Tour 121 at BA 152 ko.

PINAKAPABORITONG KLASE:
BA 177 at BA 172

KINASUSUKLAMANG KURSO:
Math 100 dahil lamang sa oras kung kailan ito ginanap; sa panahon ng tanghalian.

PABORITONG TANAWIN:
Mga babaeng maaalindog. Siyempre bilang isang taong magtatapos na, lahat ng babae halos ay mas bata sa akin.

GUSALI:
BA. Walang iba.

PABORITONG KAINAN:
Kahit saan. Aristocart pag binabarat.

NOONG ESTUDYANTE KA PA MAGKANO BA ANG BINABAYAD MO SA JEEP?
3.50 Ikot hanggang ngayong 8 Piso na.

LAGI KA BANG NAPAPADPAD SA MAIN LIB?
Hindi kasi derecho akong palaruan.

NAGPUNTA KA BA SA CLINIC NUNG MINSANG NAGKASAKIT KA?
Kung bibilangin ang sa UPIS, oo.

MAY CRUSH KA BA SA CAMPUS?
Sa tingin ninyo?

BF/GF?
WALA. Kailangan bang tanungin? O gusto niyo magtanong?

MAY BALAK KA BA KUMUHA NG KURSONG PANGDOKTORADO ?
Wala dahil sa ibang bansa ko ito kukunin.

ANU-ANO ANG MGA NAGING PE MO?
Duckpin Bowling, Ten-Pin Bowling (2 antas) at Walking for Fitness.

KAMUSTA NAMAN ANG BLOCK NYO?
Kahit naging Block Leader ako ay wala itong nagawa dahil sa malayang pagpili ng estudyante sa mga kurso nila. Sa katunayan ay ako nga ang naninira sa pagasignatura ng Administrasyon sa aming kurso dahil sa pagkauna ko sa kursong nakukuha.

NAKAPANOOD KA NA BA NG GRADUATION SA UP?
Oo. Isang pang-kolehiyo at isang pang-unibersidad.

MEMORYADO MO BA ANG UP NAMING MAHAL?
Mula sa anim na taon, basta may magsimulang kumanta ay kaya ko siyang sabayan.

MIYEMBRO KA BA NG VARSITY?
Hindi. Kung may Varsity sa Online Gaming baka pwede pa.

NAKAKUHA KA NA BA NG PERPEKTONG GRADO SA EXAM?
Oo. Soc Sci 2. Lampas pa sa isang daang porsiyento dahil sa bonuses.

ANO’NG AYAW MO SA FINALS WEEK?
Wala kang makasama. Wala kang makausap. Lahat galit-galit.

DITO KA BA NATUTONG UMINOM NG BEER?
Kung bilang ang taon ko sa UPIS, oo.

ANO’NG GUSTO MO SA UP?
Dito ka lang pwedeng tumambay magdamag... at...

ANO’NG AYAW MO?
Ang abala sa paglakad mula Math hanggang Palma Hall sa sampung minuto o mas kaunti pa kapag ikaw ay bago pa lamang sa Unibersidad. Pero kung sanay ka nang tumakas sa UPIS ay hindi mo ito aalalahanin.

MAGANDA BA ID PIC MO?
Dalawa na ang ID ko. Parehong lumulutang ang ulo ko doon.

MAY GINAWA KA NA BANG ILLEGAL SA LOOB NG CAMPUS?
Madami. Isipin niyo na lang.

Because There's Nowhere Else To Go.

TL;DR (Too Long, Didn't Read)

2008-10-01T17:35:00.000+08:00

Don't take the shortcut, take the LOOONGCAAAT.

Seriously, I AM NOT AMUSED. I am trying to keep the burden of graduation to myself, and not hurt you, so don't jinx it for me. Yes, I appreciate graduating this semester, but don't make it the butt of a joke. You're going to experience the same thing, so would you like it if I needled you for the whole semester about something without any certainty? I can be much more direct and condescending with what I want to say, and there are times when I'm just resisting the need to say a devastating put-down.

One more thing, just because I'm graduating doesn't mean I can't and won't be your friend anymore, let me enjoy these last three weeks in the college. You want to go ahead and ignore me when I'm savoring these moments, fine, just tell it to my face instead of shrugging me off. Don't chalk it up to stress, everyone's feeling the same way. In any case, I'd appreciate the bluntness. This is one of those times when I need it, especially with people making me feel that I'm just a tool.

TL;DR Version: Tell me to STFU and GTFO if you want me to. I appreciate it better.

These are the days when Internet celebrities wish they could wield the legendary Banhammer in real life.

If Only I Could...

2008-09-28T13:22:00.000+08:00

Turn back Time... If Only I could...

Life can make you miss a lot of things.Like now, college life is about to end for me. There's still a lot I want to explore, experience and broaden about myself, but I guess the real world will swallow me up whole. None can really say they are truly prepared for work. I guess I seem to be in the same boat, even though I feel otherwise. With lots more to do and to go; I guess I'll have to take the leap of faith blindly. My apologies for the lack of coherence, I need to get away from making myself melt down again.

I never want to say Goodbye, because I never want to see you...

I NEED HELP for my Graduation Picture!

2008-09-15T19:03:00.000+08:00

IF anyone here knows someone who has a broadsword. That is, a straight-edged sword, NOT a katana, PLEASE PM ME ASAP. I want to use it for our Graduation Picture this coming Monday, September 23 at 11 AM. Preference will be given to replica swords from the Lord of the Rings.

Can You Feel The Pressure

2008-09-12T16:04:00.000+08:00

I.M.B.A.Lanced

The pressure is so bad that I really want to puke. Seriously. I'm being unproductive but I need to destress before I can buckle down to work. I just need to have someone listen to me and take away this nagging insecurity. In any case, better get to work. I've got too many things to finish, and I hope everyone understands why I'm like this now. Just... please... don't make me snap. Or help me do it in a gentler way. I know everyone else is also feeling it, so let's do something about it after all this? (This also serves as an invitation to have fun and drink or whatever form of release you wish.)

In The End, Does IT Matter?

Lighter Moments

2008-09-03T19:00:00.000+08:00

All of us deserve a laugh at some time or another... even at one's own expense.

This is a SIGN! Everyone in our college is becoming so "sabaw" (aka brain soup!) nowadays that they can't think straight anymore. Just listen to this conversation which happened around 7pm earlier as proof; for entertainment purposes, I will keep it in Filipino while for privacy purposes, I will change all names involved in this conversation:

Yours Truly: Alam niyo ba naiwan ni BA Top Ten Person yung cellphone niya kanina sa back lobby? (The First Sign, BA Top Ten na super OC pa ang nakaiwan ng cellphone.)

BA 172 Groupmate: Ako na lang ang hahawak, mas may tiwala pa siya sa akin kaysa sa iyo na magbalik sa kanya niyan. *and she gets the phone* (Second Sign, people can't even trust someone with misplaced items that they know you have.)

BA 108 Groupmate: Ay naiwan niya? Itext mo nang masabing naiwan niya dito sa BA! (The THIRD SIGN! No need to elaborate.)

BA 172 Groupmate: Ano ka ba? Bakit mo ako ipapatetext kay BA Top Ten Person? Tawagan ko nga muna! *rings BA Top Ten Batchmate's phone* (Fourth Sign.)

Yours Truly: Ano ba yan pakinggan mo sinabi mo.

After fifteen seconds and two dial attempts of BA 172 Groupmate...

BA 108 Groupmate: Ah, eh ano nga sabi mo? Ay oo nga pala. (Fifth.)

Yours Truly: Hay naku, maiwan ko na nga kayo bago pa ako mahawa at walang magawa! Sandali lang, sa akin na lang o sa iyo?

BA 172 Groupmate: Ikaw na lang ang magtago, para tuturo ka namin kung mawala mo. *hands back cellphone*

Story Ends.

Laughing makes you live longer, because you forget to keep track of time.

Insul(a)ted

2008-08-18T18:46:00.001+08:00

We all have masks for our personalities, how well we know someone is to know how many masks one has peeled away.

Learning how to take criticism does not come easy for most people, especially in a culture like ours where saving face is an integral part of social relationships. However, insults and wry commentary often occupy a very thin and blurred line few people dare to skirt. The ambiguity in these words simply make it too sensitive for people to even tread on other people's egos and sensitivities. I'm not one to pull on my punches, and it has only been lately that I've begun to feel regret and remorse over some of the more insensitive items that have come from me. Probably it's because I'm too used to shrugging off even the most personal of insults in the most impersonal of arenas, that I have been unable to become more attuned to when my words have crossed over that fuzzy line. Maybe it would be well for me to hold my tongue in check; and not become tongue in cheek, especially knowing that I can express the most caustic of remarks. This finally leaves me with these very enlightening thoughts: Are the most two-faced of people really just those with hyper-developed diplomatic skills? Should I really turn into one, considering how seemingly inept I would rather be in a group conversation? I guess that would be taking away who I am, but I have time to know for sure. One's seeming hypocrisy might after all, be another person's beacon of truth.

To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human.

Insu

2008-08-18T18:46:00.000+08:00

LOL 69

2008-08-12T19:37:00.000+08:00

Rule 34: If it's on the Internet, there is Porn of it.
Rule 35: If there is no Porn of something on the Internet, someone will make one.

69 Contacts... but how many look at me? See me for who I really am? Know me in the right ways? Understand what fulfills me? I bet only a few, but there's always hope. Enlightenment comes in the strangest of times, and with the most unlikely of reasons.What makes me tick is more complicated than a post on a forum, or a caustic remark on circumstances. More thought goes into every word, even the rashest action, than most would realize. Life is never too complicated to savor its uniqueness. Make a bold move, have no hate or shame. Know and experience more! Here's to 69 contacts, and much more to come as the days and years flow by!

The Internet has Rules, all for the LULZ!

Speak Now, Or Forever Hold Your Peace

2008-08-07T18:15:00.000+08:00

Life deals you different cards of experience... but there's always a stacked deck.

Damn it, I can't seem to apologize properly to my classmates for rage-quitting for the first time ever on DotA. I don't seem to have the skill to take care of relationships, and turn them into deeper ones. These are the times when my cynicism and aloofness have gotten the better of me. I could go on

But it's too late to apologize...

I've failed them, and myself. I know part of this is the pressure coming down on me. Forgiveness is something I've wanted to ask but not something I can seem to approach from them. For the longest time, ever since, I've never known what true friendship feels like, and I have no knowledge of what to expect in this regard. Maybe I've had it in my hands all this time and never realized it. The things you value the most are the ones you never know were there. This time I hope it is the case.

You tell me that you need me, but then you come and cut me down.

Together Apart

2008-08-03T06:59:00.000+08:00

Life gives people more failures than victories.

Why the wry comment? We all seek to aspire to many of the same things, recognition, respect, even just a simple sweet yes would do sometimes. However, with so many people, choices and too little time for each of us in this ever-changing world that has gone so quickly by, we face defeat. We have to learn that even in the bliss of achievement, our grounding should let us appreciate that we should savor it, and not let it get to our heads. Also, we should appreciate that we will eventually let it go. In any case, LET US CELEBRATE.

HELL YEAH! LET'S GO SENIORS!

CHAMPIONS - 2008-2009 BACBACAN

What makes victory sweeter is knowing you can share it.

Something Different 2

2008-07-29T00:04:00.000+08:00

1. What do u think is the reason why people lie?
Everybody Lies. - Dr. Gregory House

2. Have u ever said, you'll never love again?
No. Saying that for me would be giving up on life.

3. Is there anything bothering you right now?
Yes. My study habits.

4. Is there something you wanna let go of?
This feeling of inadequacy.

5. Do the old songs you had in your past really remind you of the memories?
No, they always make me think of the present circumstances.

6. How important is "trust"?
It's the bedrock of a relationship.

7. Do you believe in soul-mates?
Well, not now. Not in a long time

8. How do you learn to forget your problems?
You never forget problems. They remain solved or unsolved.

9. Is crying a sign of weakness?
Never, once done in proportion.

10. Why do you answer surveys?
They are a useless waste of time other people appreciate when not used to gain information.

11. Do you always regret?
Never. Experience is there to teach you to learn.

12. What is your current ring tone?
Empire Accretia by Razorback

13. Do you believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder?
No. Absence can be used as a smokescreen for lies.

14. Do you believe that you have a guardian angel?
Yes.

16. What will u do if you're stuck in the elevator with someone you don't know?
It will always depend on circumstances.

17. Have you ever wanted something but you cant have it?
Always.

18. Have you ever said 'I love you.' but you lied?
Only once have I been sincere in that line.

19. Would you ever want to go back in the past?
The occasional madness does take me, but generally no.

20. Do you really want to please everybody?
No. I do not see why anyone should be pleased at all with themselves, much more with others.

21. Is waiting forever okay?
No. There is no 'forever' anyway.

22. Right now, where do you want to be?
In post-graduate school.

23. When is something too much for you?
If it kills you.

24. What are you so sick and tired of?
Insincerity.

25. What made you smile today?
Nothing. I naturally smile when I feel like it.

26. Is looking good important?
Yes. Image can help you improve yourself.

27. Do you listen to love songs when you are down?
No. Why would I?

28. What are you thankful for?
Just being alive.

29. Do you believe that love is lovelier the second time around?
No. If it were really love, there would never be a second time around.

30. Do you believe in forever?
No.

31. What are your plans for the weekend?
Have fun. Get drunk. Work. In that order.

33. Do you believe that married couples should still go out on a date?
Yes.

34. Do you want to go out of the country?
Yes.

35. For now, what is the one thing that you want so bad?
The will and determination to finish what I intend to do.

The Pressure Valve...

2008-07-17T18:08:00.000+08:00

I can feel the pressure cause it's getting closer now and we're better off without you...

It is beyond me why I still survive after a whole month of study. It's just our fifth week and already the demands of a proper sit-down session (at least two whole days doing nothing but REAL STUDY I say) to review on my work is taking its toll. My first SERIOUS examination is on Monday and I haven't even properly memorized what differentiates a Call or Put Option from one another. (Call Options are options to buy, Put Options are to sell) However, I already had an exam last Tuesday which I reviewed for (cramming rearing its head again) and I think I managed to pass. My schedule will probably force me to use "cheat sheets" (I just LOVE calling them that because it's bad.) a.k.a. review cards so I can remember my lessons, but it's simply too much to expect me to properly study by sitting down and reading. One has to take the Internet away from me to do that. What makes me rant today however, is the fact that I can't study without a simple Scientific Calculator because my batch mate has not brought his own to school twice already and has forgotten to return my own to me after he used it this time. Ironic because it happens just when I NEED it to review for a quiz. After our sportsfest (Oh damn this is my LAST MAJOR EVENT in the college!), I'll probably be neck deep in study, group works and non-curricular activities that study IS A MUST. Today just makes me nod my head and say "Why oh WHY TODAY! " I hope that my next post will NOT be about romance, I realize that being frustrated helps you reorganize and regroup while a relationship just makes you more tied up in knots.

I've got a lot to you, yeah I've got a lot to say, I notice your eyes are always glued to me, keeping them there, it makes no sense at all...

Something Different

2008-07-13T22:04:00.000+08:00

From my RF Friends... for a Change:

http://www.mindistortion.tv/pocketemo/?data=3-3-18-3-0-1-0-0-1&name=Nazzie

It's MEEEH.

. Your Mom

2008-07-09T17:20:00.000+08:00

Is it really love, or does infatuation make you blind?

I seriously need a rest. Some playtime. I'm just burning out like a candle in the wind. Some help and support is seriously appreciated. Or maybe even just a talk to motivate me to gun for what I really want. I haven't had the chance to tell anyone anything for the longest time, and just drawing strength from what they do is something I wish I could do. Here's to hoping I can wake myself up to continue in my endeavors.

P.S. If you can dissuade me from playing and provide a more appropriate vent to this stress, I'd appreciate it. Getting to know new people won't hurt. *smile*

At the end of every job is a new one waiting to be finished.

So Near yet so Far...

2008-06-29T12:11:00.000+08:00

It is not physical distance that matters... but how different you think from one another.

I already have doubts about making the right choices during the last few weeks. I've been tired, probably more than a bit irritable, and feel sick physically. My mental edge has not dulled, and I can say with some certainty that it will not in the next few months that I've set myself to graduate in. Unfortunately, how I've been in this last semester of college (hopefully) has not been what I expected or wanted. I feel like drifting away again to be alone. I have nearly three quarters (if not more) of the batch as classmates, yet I feel like unconsciously pushing myself away. I hate that feeling, but the more I think about it, the more I can't shake it off as just my imagination. This makes me think if wanting to graduate early so I can earn my own keep is a mistake. Giving up the friendships that I've made and wish to keep and develop even further could, and is beginning to be, a greater price than I can afford. These are the times that I wish I could have changed things. Being the batch cynic, it makes me think of whether I can really take all the lies, half-truths and deception that's natural with what I hear, but what I hear is just the tip of the iceberg, I am that isolated. Not knowing, and also not caring, I have become an unwitting victim of seclusion. Oblivious to the changes that has happened to my peers, I still seem to be enigmatic, mysterious, and unfathomable overall. Sometimes, I just wish with some things that I can be crystal clear. These days, I long for some simplicity and order. A day or two where I can just talk about something deeper than our current shallow lives with one another. How I long for that bliss...

Living for the present should not compromise preparing for the future... so should looking back at the past.

Keep Bleeding, Keep, Keep Bleeding Love

2008-05-22T20:59:00.000+08:00

I walk these empty streets on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams...

Sure, being an obnoxious, critical and unrelenting bastard has its perks, like being free to whine and bitch about things everyone else can't speak up on, but there are times when there's a certain hankering for normalcy, for the chance to be just like any other. Creating an island of decency, of being viewed as "just one of us", that is so much of a vain illusion that I can never grasp. When I look around at people, my friends, my colleagues, peers, whatnot, there's this nagging emptiness, this sense of not knowing where I really stand or if I really belong. Even still, I justify this, inadequately I admit, as being the Devil's Advocate, the one with all the sarcasm and role of killjoy. It dovetails perfectly with the lack of delicacy, yet for some strange reason I find myself burdened even more with secrets and issues that were never heard, or things never meant to be said. I know and have forgotten enough for whole people's reputations to be ruined, for cliques to be investigated, to create an outroar that could have repurcussions by destroying a tainted system. The burden of my dedication to silence and harmony, and by extension, love is killing me inside. To what, with who, but how, can this weight be lifted off my stooped shoulders?

Emotion can only express our ephemeral impulses... Moods are what makes us who people see us to be.

… but I wish you were here.

2008-05-01T15:45:00.000+08:00

My shadow is the only one that walks beside me…

Lonely, I’m like that nowadays. Why could it be? I’ve grown used to it so well. Is this hankering something temporary, a passing phase in my existence, or something that’s part of me? Often, nothing compares to a quiet evening alone, but now I just don’t want to. I long for something different. The company of friends, the talks with someone I care about, the experience of just having fun with other people. I do know that I am alone now, but I won’t let be like this. I feel that it can be more. I’ve got a lot more to say to others, and I can listen to them better than I would before. There are still relics of my past that I wish I could renounce for good, but they may serve their purpose, as anchors for me to base my evolution, my shift to a better future. Creating my own future should be my own concern, but will it be worth it without anyone to share? I feel that there’s a time to look for someone, to reach out to others, build a foundation of relationships that will last for very long. It’s time for me to succeed, and that’s done with other people. Solitude is failure. It won’t be over in one night, but it will take the rest of my life. At least it will then be a good life. Something worth to be proud of, something that helps make everything that I achieve, every victory, every effort I exert something to be valued. I hope, pray and wish that I can feel fulfilled doing this, that this will be not all in vain, every moment spent here will be for living and not surviving. Maybe it’s time to really live in the present, and not wait for some dim, far-off future clouded with the fog of uncertainty. I don’t want to live in the rarefied air of the ivory tower, being down in the mud with everyone else feels more satisfying. Maybe it’s time to escape…

Lose yourself in the… moment; you should never let it go…

… And I walk alone

2008-04-23T05:19:00.000+08:00

I walk the city streets, on my boulevard of broken dreams…

And the city sleeps… but I am still awake. Waiting for me to redeem myself from the failure I have been. So many times I missed opportunities, I made regrettable mistakes. Maybe I’m too soft, but I think myself the opposite. What could explain this paradox? Has my identity become a lie? So much potential yet, it has burned into ashes, in the fire of failure that consumes me. I cannot comprehend how and why I let my future slip away, my future ruined by my blindness. Ranting, raving, restless I have remained, but satisfaction I have never gotten. Fear floods my fleeting self, remaining uncertain, uncommitted, unwilling to acknowledge my weaknesses. Scrambling, searching, meaning in my life is still missing. A chameleon, a chimera, clutching at each image created by others claws away at the things I cling to. Imagery versus reality, values, virtues versus ideals, issues, ideas; all these stripping away at my self. How can happiness heal these hurts, now that they are thrust towards my esteem, my being. Am I going to let myself stay like this? Can I redeem myself and make it work again? The truth is getting into me. Something has to be done. Things have to change, for the better again. Letting this be the case, letting fate take full control of my life will only result in destruction. I can change my own destiny, I realize that molding it is not as easy as it seems or feels, but something, however small, can be done. My will must be done. Letting go of a chimera, untying the blindfolds that have handicapped me, escaping the prison cell I have set for myself, all these I seek to break free. Make a difference, shape my destiny. I will get what I want, at the least cost I can take it. Take the bullet, go down hard, and make a difference. It may be illusory, it can become just another hallucination. Dreams start to mix with reality, and it becomes a hazy image, trapped within a crystal cube of a colorful scene. All I have to do is to take all that drowsiness away, and shock the patient observer to the potential that resides in me. Waking up from this nightmare I should do, or I will shrivel away, becoming a mindless automaton. Take back my humanity, my power to harness the self. It’s now or never.

You only have one shot…this opportunity comes once in a lifetime.

Live, Love and Let Go

2008-04-16T13:13:00.000+08:00

Free at last, thank god, we are free at last…

“I was so high I did not recognize… the chaos that controlled my mind.” Oh how chaotic, uncontrolled and unsettling love can be. Saying goodbye, each and every time, for so many times, is crushing on the heart. So many times before, then and finally now, I have endured this pain, the agony. Not seeing for the longest time, that it was all so wrong. But how do you expect me, to live alone and just be, like this, because I’m a hazard to myself, and to you, this volatility and the vain attempts to reach out to you. Don’t cry for me. I’m not worth it. I’m glad you finally saw the light. You had the courage to say to me what I have tried to always do but never could. Cause I won’t say goodbye anymore. I am free. You are free. Finally we can be who we really are. We cannot deny each other anymore. I can’t help but wait then, if it is meant to be, if you are my shining star. I am nothing but a worm in the earth, waiting for some bird to satisfy their craving, unseeing, senseless. I’ve become so numb, I can feel you there. I am so much more aware that I am not worthy of you, or of anyone… yet. By becoming this sensitive, loving being, I have forsaken myself. But I want that person to be more like me, and be less like you, the pain-troubled patient, persisting on Vicodin for the heart. I’m trying to forget that I’m addicted to love, not you. Life feels so empty without me for you, but you are my first romance, and I was willing to take the chance. I would rather limp away in pain than be wheeled around, disabled by my fancies and your dreams that we could never make true. You are my sacrifice, in the name of love. In futility I wait, I expect for some miracle to take place. You’re all that I see in my life. You are the girl of my dreams, that in my heart I sincerely believed. But now the pain is gone, and I can see clearly now what I wanted yet never sought. I have been amputated, ripped away from this cloud of hallucinations, and thrown into some storm, alone, blinded by ambition. Please forgive me, every word I say is true. Don’t deny me this chance to speak, because it’s so hard for me to breathe, or even live without getting this off my conscience. I don’t want to go home without you, but I can’t. I hate how much I love you, can’t stand how much I need you to be there for me. But I have to be strong, to walk away from you, trust in my self-righteousness to do this. My flaws have to become part of me, because I cannot forsake myself. Smile for me, tell me that you’ll wait for me. Don’t hold me because I’ll never let you go. By then, I won’t be on my crutches. I won’t lean on my cane of self pity, remorse and weakness. I will stand up, be proud, be brave, be smart, have no fear, will not let anyone get ahead of me. All this I will be for you, for the will to carry on to live in me. I won’t turn to you anymore. I’m walking away from this trouble in my life. Go. Live in your uptown world and never look for a backstreet guy. Listen to your parents, because I can’t afford to stay. Believe when I say that I want it that way. We will always be worlds apart, and I will never reach for your heart. I’ll never be nothing more than a heart ache, a mistake. I don’t want to hear you say you want me back, that you know the meaning of being lonely. I can’t be there where you are. I never will. Let it be. Words are all I have to take you away, but it’s not enough. Come what may. I will love you until my dying day. My heart and life, must, will go on. Goodbye…

This love has taken its toll… on me…

Epic Failure

2008-03-15T19:27:00.000+08:00

Emotion is nothing but the sequential firing of neurons triggered by chemicals.

I feel so useless right now. Maybe it's just the toll of too many things to do and the enormous amount of mistakes that I've made over the last month catching up on me. Losing the election was something that I thought was both good and bad, but letting down my friends... that's something I can't let myself bear easily. Let's face it, I'm not exactly a paragon of perfection, but that's what true leadership is all about, being able to accept that you are weak and wrong at times. Despite all this, I still feel so down. Desperation is appearing in every move I've done, and I can't face my colleagues after ripping them off our work. I don't name names now, but I wish you can just read this and I can say that I am sincerely sorry for my actions. Trying to catch up to my responsibilities also doesn't help. Where to start, what to do? I know that my weakness is that I need a lot of guidance and tracking for me to work well, and that I am erratic in my work. Some "pushes" also help. As for being tardy, what sense of urgency can I have when I don't have the means to move on and out of things? Now I'm nagged by doubts. I sincerely feel for the first time in my life that I am not fit for what I want to be. There are times when I shine in my endeavors, but it isn't enough. Maybe I'm just too much of a perfectionist. Maybe I'm not really cut out to be a very sociable person. Maybe I'm too abrasive and straightforward. Probably I'm just someone who isn't meant to make it in life. Probably these doubts really reflect my limits. Maybe I'm not cut out to what I can be. Enough with the self-deprecation. If I really felt this bad I'd do something irrational. It's time for me to keep myself together and at least make something work.

Behind all the smiles is suffering and despair.

PIX OR ALL LIES!

2008-03-06T15:21:00.000+08:00

If a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't I...

I can't even make memories of my batchmates, games and other events in life anymore.

I don't want my college life without memories I'll point to in a few years and call the dumbest things we all did in our lives. I miss gaming, but it feels like WORK when I do log in and/or play. It's losing focus, but I know where my life wants to go, to help and serve others. I've been long a sacrificial lamb unworthy of the altar. I guess I'm just going to bleed myself to death then. Nonetheless, it's been forever that I've done something about my online presence. There's always something to do, but hopefully never on the morrow.

It's not time to make a change, just relax, take it easy.
You're still young, that's your fault, there's so much you have to know.

The Death List

2008-01-16T14:32:00.000+08:00

One last cry, before I leave regret behind…

This entry is extremely simple. This is the list I am referring to of the things I want to say to people both for their and my own good, in no particular order. I’ll keep it simple, direct and honest. That’s all I can do, if I’ve forgotten you, either thank or curse me for it.

To UP Students:

I left this blank; you still have a chance to make me appreciate you or for you to take notice.

To The Gamers of Ragnarok Online:

Goenitz – I applaud the idealism and strictness, it has done a lot to discipline people, but there is no ideal in our world, a dose of pragmatism helps.

Nerva – The inspiration to write and participate you woke inside me, I can never ever repay. I wish you luck in your endeavors, and hope to see you as a full-fledged fiction writer in the future.

Nexus – You are a really irritating bastard. I haven’t seen you do anything productive in my time in all of the boards I have been to; no criticism, no debate, no discussion. Pathetic, at least others were better than you were.

St. Serenity – I apologize for old actions and wish they never were; they were done in jest and never meant to hurt. Use your charm and sociability, it makes people lighten up.

Salleh and Hiks – THANK YOU SO MUCH. You taught me the value of reticence and observation, and the good use of the proper words. Diplomacy, as one could call it.

JCreator – It’s nice to know that I’ve seen you talk with less edge since when I first was in the boards with you, and you still make me the butt of your jokes in real life. At least that makes me smile nowadays.

Berzerkerz Crit – At least you’ve got something good to attend to, with your passion and dedication, success will come your way. We’ve got something in common deep inside, I now realize, that determination to get people to hear the truth.

Datsoy – The most irritatingly funny person in the boards, and a sarcastic one to boot. I can’t ever pin you for really violating anything, because you know the line. Really smart of you to keep within it.

MAE-AN Fafables – 2 Words: BRUKBAKAN NA!

Waukeen – Diplomacy I learned from being a Moderator in Chaos Boards, politics I learned from you. Thanks for the lesson in polarization and neutrality, it has served me well in these past few years; and most importantly, for giving me that big break to becoming an established name in the Level Up Community as Chaos WoE Commentator.

Loungers of the Version 2 of the Ragnaboards (Orphidian11, Akin_Iya, Hellkai in particular) – My first encounter with the active community of Level Up was with these people. The fun that we had, and the “conversations” that occurred here and the Midgard Congress, formed the core of the original Ragnarok community; and the Philippine Online Gaming Community as well. Being part of that experience is something that is priceless, and can never be replicated. Let’s be proud of our legacy, because we still have our original home in existence.

The Original Chaos Boards Group (Elnore, Thorin, Malekith, Kelvs and The Kama Sutra Thread addicts in particular) – The experiment we participated in of an independent and active community outside of LUG’s purview was and still is an unqualified success, and continues to inspire others. We are the first, and still the best in this. Without us, there would be no guild and lounge boards for us to stay in and utilize for their potential.

To The Gamers of RF Online:

The Vanguards – No need to identify to who I need to say to this or that, you know that I can only give the people here the greatest respect for their dedication. Despite your limitations and weaknesses which I dare not say, I know that none of you, unless in a failing of monstrous proportions, will dare undermine that which you love so much. That love I have also shown and given in due course and time. I need not say more. Kudos!

Cerulean – I know you do not easily forgive affronts towards you. I cannot do any more but wait patiently for your forgiveness. I don’t want to lose a friend who tells me that I keep going too far with what I’m doing, and who I can listen to because I truly appreciate what they say. I still hope that day comes, but each minute makes the light dimmer.

Elendia – Sometimes I can’t take the insults/jokes, and when I do flare up, do forgive me. I do tell you when it’s too far right? It’s really time for me to log out and enjoy some time away from it all. As you always say, and now I realize it applies to my situation now. SUCKS TO BE YOU!

Shiv – The strategy sessions, that I want to be able to go on with for hours. That’s the thing I really miss. I just want to see someone having the capability to apply them.

To the DotAdiks:

Kage – The time spent talking all night about RF and DotA made me appreciate what a true all-day, all-night addict gamer goes through. Getting to know that meant a lot of unwitting sacrifices on my part that I now regret on many levels. At least, I now know what I don’t want to end up as and what I can be if I lose my focus and concentration. One more thing, lay off on the trashtalk even if I like it, it’s too much!

Bata – Grow up! You can’t stay a gamer forever unless you want to make a living off it, which I can foresee you doing a few years from now, with the amount of skill that you have in these things. Another thing, check your mouth before you snort! *evil grin*

Azz and Harris – Thanks for making me realize that friendship in this group that we are in doesn’t revolve on skill, it comes from the experiences that we have in the game. Don’t worry, I will start playing and improving myself so I won’t be ashamed of playing with or against you, soon enough I hope.

Azrael, Whappak and Mayk – I love what you guys did, exposing that there’s more to Warcraft than just DotA. I just have to get more skill to be on par with what you know.

Maio – The exposure to the current Blueskies environment gave me the confidence to start dealing with the players there, and that’s something few people can give.

Farstrider and Co. – Miss talking to the 129 crowd, I know it’s a really long time before I can match up on your level, but I miss the jokes I once heard there.

To Those Who Matter and Do Not:

The LUG GMs – Thank you for the opportunities and horizons you have opened up. You can only do so much, and only by having the chance to talk and listen to you that I applaud and appreciate your efforts. I can only hope and wish that I could make your jobs easier when the appropriate time comes.

The One – I can only say one thing to you. If it is meant to be, it will be.

11-8-07 0110hrs

Spammage!!!

2007-12-03T13:16:00.000+08:00

"Hallo, finally got around to adding people left and right and whatever, you get what I mean. haha."

Just added a whole bunch of people to my Multiply site. Need advertising? No I'm a shameless advertiser, without adding what I'm doing right now. I ain't cut out for PR, but I sure do know how to make a name.

*shameless plug*

I'm just abusing WiFi in UP Diliman, if that's what you're asking.

Too Good For This?...

2007-11-08T13:20:00.000+08:00

Loneliness is just another word for the lack of company, but one who feels it is one step closer to death…

As I travel home tonight, I cannot help but ask myself how I put myself in this kind of situation. My own selfish desires have always been my greatest weakness, but this is just too great to be borne by someone like me. I already feel like writing a suicide note with these words, but I know that I am not yet ready to face that next step in existence. Just looking around me gives me both reason to live, and die at the same time. This despondency has been with me for the last few months. I seek a purpose in life unknown even to myself, and yet it has taken me further from my ultimate goals. Why is it that those that I dearly care for and love are the ones pushing me away? Do they not see my worth, or am I even a liability towards them? I know that the answers in those questions lie not within me, and are also those that I cannot ever fathom. I realize that none would really care about reading about me in these letters, these are unanswered cries in the wilderness of the minds that do not value the worth of others. I have sacrificed so much of my life for their welfare, I have been used. Is it time for me to use them for my own ends? My conscience does not allow it, but my mind says it is time to set emotion aside, and let my choices dictate my path in life. There is always a limit to the patience demanded of asking for acceptance and pardon, and even jests of familiarity and respect can go too far. English for me is not the appropriate language to express my thoughts now, since I have always used it for formality and decorum, but I can only think of one statement to release my angst.

YOU CAN ALL GO TO HELL FOR ALL I CARE.

What hope for love and life I have cherished is now gone. Whomsoever can take it back for me will only need to listen.

Onen i-Estel Edain, ú-chebin estel anim.

I'm SICK. Literally

2007-09-24T21:50:00.000+08:00

Sickness is a foretaste of death, if you're unlucky.

No excuses. I REALLY AM SICK. Insomnia's been my affliction ever since I entered second year. I'd typically sleep past midnight, and be lucky to wake up at 9 am. Which just sickens me all the more. Add to that a bad environment (cigarette smoke and all in a net shop, bad or NO breakfasts and lunches) and a really unforgiving attitude towards myself, (if I die because of lack of sleep and nourishment then so be it), I can't really bring myself to stay coherent, alert and in a good mood as I used to. Having a foretaste of what kind of stresses your future job/s might have doesn't help. It makes me revolt inside that I didn't even think that I should've just dropped out of school for the meantime and clean this all up. No, I have to live with it. I'm old enough for it. Old enough to live, and die as I wish.

Why can't I just be where angels fear to tread and demons loathe to walk.

Records and Memories

2007-09-13T19:32:00.000+08:00

Not everyone who's hurt bleeds...

Just a short entry, as I'm in a shop and I'm trying to decide what to do. I've got quite a few "musings" that I've been recording on my cellphone and that I'd like to decide upon if they're worth posting or not. Now you'd wonder why I'd muse instead of seeking professional help for my schizophrenic ravings. I'm better off venting frustration, hate and emotion that way. Add to it that makes me feel pathetic when I listen to it after recording them. It's bound to hurt people, if they feel affected by what I'm going to say if I ever post these statements... but please do keep in mind that I am not in the most sensible state of mind while saying them. It's either an "early" morning daydream or a lonely sitdown that has me going for the most pathetic lines. By the way, if you're lucky, you might just hear me in the rarest of romantic/chivalric moods, one that girls would fall for in a guy. I just am not that kind of person if you don't deserve that kind of love.

People see others differently if they hear one speak before they meet. But what about those who never get to do so?...

Whatta Pitiful Life! All Right!

2007-08-26T00:45:00.000+08:00

Life is always an open book even in death, it's just that there's no cover and pages are torn off.

I've always known to myself that I'm quite the arrogant bastard. Ironic isn't it that one considers me an overachiever yet shows no inclination of wanting to be overbearing? Pompous idiot that I am, I even have an inferiority complex. I'm such an insecure fool that I blab about my life to other people. Drink up Naz, here you go with this and that... Hahaha I love this life. Don't say I'm not depressed. I'm not, I just like showing people that even the great insensitive lout Nazgul has emotions. There goes the "me" syndrome again, because life is NEVER that of the SELF.

What is insecurity but a mere weakness of will and ruthlessness.

Pix Equals Hax

2007-08-13T14:35:00.000+08:00

A picture is worth more than a thousand words... It may be a thousand lives.

Now, just finished my album uploading and I can finally say where I've been for some time I haven't been around. Now, it's not enough of an explanation but it's worth looking into what and who I am, eh? Haha. Cya, I'm outta here.

Pictures can only slice your life into little pieces, it can never relive it for you.

Thrash Talking

2007-08-06T16:34:00.000+08:00

Life can be sickening... only if you carry the disease of discontent.

Funny, I feel so appreciated right now. I'm trying to fend off all the frenzied sharks swimming around in the Rising Force Online (RF Online) boards, spamming about the imminent death of a decent community. I'm wallowing in "WTF all our work wasted" posts, while I personally feel that I'm being excluded from what I feel is my intended and deserved share of Business Admin work. Stupid. I'm pulling no punches, just because I've never done so. I don't want to do it to your faces because it's not worth hearing, seeing or experiencing your disgust and the well-deserved rant about me not pulling my own weight, just because I'm unable to tell it to your face that something is being done wrong. Why not? It's still right, just that it doesn't solve the problem completely. Call it intellectual haughtiness, I've always been guilty of that. I can't care less, I'm not after anyone's throat or position at all. It's not worth it anyway. I'm better off working on my other projects and endeavors, at least those will have some worth over the long-term even if they're probably one-off things. Why the title anyway? All the inefficient action, the "movement", it sickens me. Things that can get done in 2 hours take 2 days. All because I can't make myself focus on what REALLY matters. We'll live, then die anyway. Honestly, NOTHING EVER MATTERS.

Life is only a hiatus between deaths.

Work as Play and Play as Work

2007-08-03T20:57:00.000+08:00

It is only when you start loving something that life becomes worth living.

Having been part of two of the largest online games in the Philippines ever, I've been pretty much a regular part of its community and its structure for its whole existence. With this in mind, I've been for years "distracted" by the pleasures and pursuits that being an active and (probably) influential member can give. This is not your typical social structure with those in the seat of power (in terms of in-game strength itself or leadership) have an exclusive hold on it. Instead, those who consist of the "glue" (your dedicated and tightly-bonded community) can wield just as much power, or at the least, voice, over the whole populace. Being unashamedly, one of its major voices, which is remarkable when you take into account that I have been NEVER DIRECTLY affiliated with any of the power centers that exist in either of those games despite all accusations to the contrary, I have felt grave responsibility to not just your powergaming leaders, but also to their less-aware followers as well, to serve them to the best of my ability. Knowing that my word is heeded whether in its forums, or in the game, or even in real life is something that I, nor anyone else for that matter, should take lightly.

It can also be further said that this has been despite the impediments all these gaming obligations have placed upon my studies (especially in my college degree; and for that I should apologize profusely to my batchmates), one cannot discount that the level of dedication it requires still is worthy of credit, whether it be recognized or be unrequited. I've seen both sides of the coin to understand why these people don't really appreciate the amount of effort that enters a spectacle they would enjoy and want to be in. Right now, I can't really say what I'm doing in online gaming, and it sure isn't as part of the people who run them. I'd rather reserve my efforts to the time when I can really make a difference inside, but even outside, so much can be done to realize the full potential of these communities. Call it heroism or self-sacrifice, but it's the kind of work I'd want to do (especially when I see that everyone there is doing it all the wrong ways); and the kind of play I'd like to engage in.

When the day comes that everyone can understand who or what I am, why I am an online gamer and can accept that they have within them the potential to be like us, then I can die in peace.

As I've said before:

"I'm married to online communities, any wife is my mistress; one I may willingly trade for anytime."

Incomplete Insecurities

2007-07-23T12:07:00.000+08:00

See, I'm here in my groupmate's place and we're trying to do this Managerial Accounting case and we're pretty much going halfway to nowhere, just like nearly every group case or study I've been in this semester. It feels quite unproductive and profoundly degrading to be put through the grinder, knowing all too well that your grades in these subjects could pretty much determine the fate of your career for the next thirty years, by saying whether you're worthy to go for a Masteral or a Doctorate. Add to top of that I'm currently trying to get myself out of the rut called online gaming, and I've got a concoction for utter disaster. It makes me feel quite unappreciated, especially that I've lost quite some time and focus on my capabilities and actions. Not going to school today also scuppered whatever desire to get into the mindset to concentrate solely and primarily on studying. But I've got to work. I have to make myself work, or else I won't go anywhere in life, and that's precisely what I don't want to happen to me, seeing how people live around me. Well,till next time.

Dotang Ina Ko!

2007-07-18T22:55:00.000+08:00

Sobrang pasaway ko na lately pagdating sa online games and sa kawalan ko ng focus sa pagaaral. I'm a Business student and I should be able to learn and apply time management much better than the majority of the population, but...

Alas! Almost every weekend was an online gaming event weekend for the last 5 weekends, in between are exams and deadlines on heavy mental work, AND, not to mention online gaming. How pathetic, some would say, that I'm spending some time on what people think is useless stuff, but I take my online communities seriously. Demmet, and even some people (tsk I shouldn't even be spending time, much less money on them), are leeching off me. Errr... probably shouldn't have said that, could hurt their feelings.

But nevertheless, I'd rather stay a gamer, virtual communities like these are the future neighborhoods; and my status as one of its mainstays is an advantage I'd rather not have taken away. Furthermore, with our country not even realizing the full potential of games and the Net, I can help in many ways in the future just by being there.

Ehem, DotA may not be the future, but is sure is a hell of a way to spend some time NOT THINKING OF IT. Haha, there I go again, I'm off to doze, but not before I say:

Games are better than Girlfriends: You can turn them off without them leaving you. Cya!

Do I Really Miss Having A Relationship?

2007-06-18T23:51:00.000+08:00

How I wish I had a Girlfriend... Or do I?

No one knows what one thinks alone in the cold watches of the night, when darkness surrounds all and despair enters the heart.

I often think as I wander alone in the halls of my college, seeing all these developing and current pairings as they wander and shower their sugar-coated words upon each other, what could have changed in my life had I had a stable relationship right now, today, with a woman (I detest calling my significant other a girl, since I feel it reduces her maturity...) who can love me for who I am and I can love unconditionally. I remember telling myself that it's a waste of time, since none can replace her; but I now feel different. I know she is out there, she will come to me, but I should not wait for that time. Hurt must be given to me to make myself worthy of her affection, to make myself strong for her. Every moment, I think, when will I deserve someone. Or do I deserve to make them feel bad about themselves, to make them feel inadequate and unworthy... I do not deserve such victories. They are worth so much better than a simple guy who can never provide for their lofty needs, who can offer only his unadulterated love and affection. I wish for nothing else than to be loved for just that, and hope that my lofty standards can find someone who appreciates such simple things in life.

Life is never simple, but it can mean so much for so little that one can give.

Night, Darkness and Death

2007-06-14T00:40:00.000+08:00

One can never wait for the dawn if there is no darkness of night and death...

Night, makes you feel alone, vulnerable and weak, that's if you do not have the heart to embrace it. What is it about darkness that makes us fear it? That makes us feel like it will swallow us up? Is it just that of its unknowable quality? Or is it the things that is associated with it and happen that make it so mysterious? Oh how one embraces the night when one does not fear anything.

Darkness often, if not always connotes evil. Why should it? If not for darkness, our universe as it is would not exist. We would not realize the true value of light were it not for it, and finally, what can one do in permanence of light? We could not rest at all, in peace, whether in time or in permanence.

Sometimes, death is associated with these things, but I do not see, why one should celebrate death and fear it at the same time. We should embrace death, since we are freed from reality once we have achieved that state. It sounds morbid, but what life gives us is the chance to create, change and improve reality, and even though all we may do may well be eventually for naught, that does not make our effort wasted, but only shows that what we do affects others and makes them capable of change and creation.

Why am I alone?

2007-05-18T17:51:00.000+08:00

As I've already told my friends before, I'm quite married to online gaming, but I'd have to say that I still feel the pangs of companionship from time to time, sometimes, quite strongly. I won't say that I'm emotionally vulnerable, but I am affected by my moods.

I'm quite a sensitive soul. Something like it describes me, yet people don't see it. At least most of them don't, or let themselves not get that chance. Now, you'd call me emo, but no, it's a personal choice that shows who I am. I can change that, but it's something that I'd rather keep, because it keeps me on the ground. All the wisdom and intelligence can't buy you empathy.

As for the opposite sex, I'm quite content with letting them go by, because I'm looking for someone nearly perfect, and I feel that I need to take some time to make myself worthy of her. I wasn't worthy of those I loved, and yet, I knew it was not my time to be with them, so now is my time to wait, to let them pass by, for they will be happier with someone else, until I see her, and she is with me. I will know by then, because she will be the one to see me for who I am, and not the person I tell her that I am.

Inferiority Complex?

2007-05-15T21:15:00.000+08:00

I don't know why I always feel so inadequate, so unappreciated and unknown. Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's a product of being in one of the richest colleges in a public university. It could also be the fact that I do not have any income and position, yet desire the best in life. I can never have anything, but it won't hurt to have something.

All I have is my pride, my pride in being myself no matter what or who tries to take it all away from me. Call it pathetic, but this is one of the things that makes me go on living.

The Tripartite Madness

2007-05-08T03:55:00.000+08:00

Like now many would accuse me of being a bit off balance. Why in the name of gaming goodness would I maintain THREE Blogs? Is it because I'd like to keep the different parts of my life separate from each other, or is it over some frenzy I cannot elaborate? Now it makes me doubt if my life is really divided into such categories.
But, three is better than one. I'd rather you NOT read over some ramblings about my social life in THE UNIVERSITY when you're more interested on the social consequences of computer gaming, or rants about some player's idiocy when you're more concerned over who I'm mooning over today. Haha. Let's just see if I can survive doing this.